High School
High School
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Is Your Gay Son Enduring High School?
It seems that more gay teens are coming out than was the case a couple decades ago. A majority of gay males still tend to wait until they move from home to attend college or even later before becoming courageous enough to share that important part of their identity with friends and family. Indeed, a very large percentage of gay men never come out to their parents. A parent need not be enthusiastic about a child's sexual orientation, whether gay or straight or somewhere in between. In fact, many of us would prefer to think of our children as totally non-sexual beings as long as possible. However, a parent does need to be supportive of a child in a number of important ways.
I write this piece from a particular perspective. I've been a college professor at top tier universities for more than thirty years, and many students, straight and not, have passed through my life. Most of my students, with a few notable exceptions, quickly learn that I am available to them for their academic problems, but they often expand those discussions to other things that impact their lives. Many of these students share experiences that happened prior to their arrival on my campus.
Naturally some of these students are bisexual or gay or, sometimes, a bit unsure. Gay males particularly will often talk about their high school experiences. (I should clarify, perhaps, that I am not talking about sexual experiences, just life experiences.) In some cases these gay young men had high school years tht were straight out of the happy teen Hollywood movies, but, for many others, high school was more of an ordeal to endure rather than a time for learning and fun. My students, regardless of their sexual orientation, handled their high school years rather well. If they had not, they would not have been admitted to my university. I worry about those many gay young men with whom I have no opportunity to interact.
If you have a gay son in high school, whether or not he has told you he is gay, he may be experiencing a difficult time when he heads off each morning to what is supposed to be an environment of learning. Almost half of all high school gay males are harassed at school. In most cases, those victims are too embarassed to talk to anyone about it; they often feel as if they should be able to handle their own problems.
Unfortunately, for many bisexual or gay students, home is often anything but a safe haven. For example, approximately one third of gay students are physically abused because of their sexual orientation by one or more members of their own families (parents or siblings or both). Some of these students leave home (by choice or not) in order to protect themselves. Some of those victims are able to move in with friends who have supportive friends, while others become homeless. I trust that you will recognize your parental obligation to provide a safe, loving environment that will serve as a launching pad for his eventual success in life.
Whether or not you accept his sexuality, you have a duty to be able to maintain communication with your son by trying to establish an atmosphere that is open to dialogue. You may need to look for indirect, subtle cues to determine whether he is experiencing those sorts of problems at school. That's not easily accomplished; adolescents are naturally private and moody beings. However, the alternative is academic failure or much worse. Gay teens are three to four times more often the victims of suicide. While I do not want you to panic, you do need to face the potential ramifications of school related problems.
Pay attention to whether your son is socializing with friends. All teens genuinely need social interaction with their age cohorts, but the majority of gay and bisexual teens report strong feelings of isolation, which can lead to depression. Your son should be going out with friends or friends should be coming to your house to visit. If that is not the case, check your son's in school behavior with a teacher. Teachers notice the social butterflies and the loners.
If your son's social life seems non-existent or limited, encourage him to join at least one extra-curricular activity of his choice. What the activity is does not matter. Anything that causes him to interact with others his age working toward a common goal is valuable. (That will continue to be true when he goes off to college or the work world as well.)
As a parent, you need to do these things no matter what your own views toward minority sexual orientations. We all must love and, to the extent that we are able, protect our children. In fact, that is your most important job. We must demonstrate our love through our actions as well as our words.
High School Sucks - The Musical - Full Intro Theme Song
